01:11 am - Are Duck-Billed Platypus Mammals?

The animal known by its scientific name Ornithorhynchus anatinus is as much of a mammal as Bigfoot is a mammal.

THEY'RE BOTH MADE UP AND FROM AUSTRAILIA

08:07 pm - Trip to /normal scares me senseless.

As a reporter, it seemed time to branch out and spread my wings a little to see what sort of fish could be found in waters outside of /newbie. Following open chatrooms allowed to be entered by all, I scooted over to /normal to see what they had to talk about. Here is a chat log from that adventure:

[normal] Hope_Sustained goes over to floobernoogle and moo's in his face
[normal] Floobernoogle busts out of the freezer with his now smexy haircut
[normal] Link Master got ahair cut a bit ago
[normal] Meggery is letting her hair grow
[normal] Morbid_thoughts might have to get a haircut
[normal] theperfectcat :O a haircut?
[normal] Hope_Sustained has straight hair, dark brown, and two-feet long
[normal] Link Master: mine changes color from blue to gold to transparent -hic-
[normal] Link Master: mine isnt curly but curls around the back of my head kinda cool like.
[normal] Floobernoogle has short fuzzy hair if u rub it.
[normal] Oogy: My hair is red and long and curly.
[normal] Morbid_thoughts has some awesome hair. his friends already know.



Image of Morbid_thoughts' "awesome hair."




[normal] Link Master: I bet meggs hair is blue and it goes all the way to the floor!
[normal] Lynore: Meg has lovely hair
[normal] Meggery: i've had blue hair before
[normal] Meggery: I've had pink and purple before.
[normal] Meggery: I have red hair now.


I quickly retreated thinking I might have walked into a beauty parlor. There's absolutely nothing more to say about /normal.

06:35 pm - Mods' prejudices revealed

Mod Warning: Novafalcon has been banned from the chat (1 hour).

Many mods have banned countless chatters for discriminating against races, sexual orientation and religious preferences. But very few have dared to stand up and show the mods their own prejudices.

Today in the /newbie channel, one young chatter felt the wrath of one mod's certain disdain for a certain furry friend of ours. Whether the chatter was in fact a donkey or was just attempting to mimic one is unknown. But what is known is that Keypunch was not happy. One might even say he was a bit aggravated by this domestic ass. Keypunch quickly banned him and followed up the ban with a message, "Don't act like a jackass." This reporter quickly PMed the chatter with another to reach him to give his opinion on the matter. After several minutes, he finally replied with a simple harsh bray, "Hee-haw."

Keypunch is not the only mod that hold prejudices against this animal. Many mods have banned their fair share of jackasses, and the displeasure toward them has grown. Monkey see, monkey do. Or for a more specific example; mini-mod see, mini-mod do. That's right, this prejudice has grown to an epidemic like stature as more and more chatters are shunning jackasses. Baleets, flames, spams; countless methods are used to antagonize and berate these creatures.

Upon further investigation though, some footage has been uncovered with might save these mods from taking all of the blame. Are they not just victims of their upbringing? From the 1940 Disney hit, Pinocchio, the child's molding perspective of a donkey is already being manipulated into malicious discontent:

The Coachman: Give a bad boy enough rope, and he'll soon make a jackass of himself.

Lampwick: Hear that beetle talk. He thinks something is gonna happen to us. Conscience? Ah, phooey! Where does he get that stuff? "How do you expect to be a real boy?" What does he think I look like? A jackass?
Pinocchio: You sure do!

10:39 pm - Are you just another statistic in /newbie?

Is your personality important in the MMORPG (massively multiplayer online roleplaying game) Kingdom of Loathing? This question has recently been brought up to the people behind the Tabloid when information was leaked through a mod warning that they have been conducting recent studies.

Players in the game are automatically assigned a number which appears in their profile and through a /whois search. This number marks them by when their account was created. We have heard from anonymous sources that Jick (the creator of the game) believes anyone with higher than a five-digit number is a newbie. There are currently almost nine hundred thousand individual account numbers, though some have been disabled or deleted due to inactivity. Some people have even defined their friendships through these numbers, only befriending players who have accounts that have been active for at least a year.

And there are the self-proclaimed Two-percenters in the game who, unlike the other ninety-eight percent of teenagers, have not tried pot and put this message in this profile. Who may have spurred this commotion of slapping individuals with yet another number to define themselves. But these numbers are much more grave, and may put you in as much of a disadvantage as a criminal record.

"Mod Warning: Recent studies show that begging is at least five kinds of bad, and quite likely six or more."

Imp y Clelyn (#72767), who was moderating /newbie chat at some time during today, displayed this message as fair warning to a chatter who was at risk of tarnishing their record and becoming a statistic; as part of recent studies. That's right. The moderators of Kingdom of Loathing are stealing the rule breakers' personalities and replacing them with numbers; Thirty-fivers.

Thirty-five percent (rough, unfounded estimate) of all newbies have been banned for begging in the chatroom. These individuals may never get a chance to earn respect from veterans because they are now branded. Not only with their 800k account number, but also by the Mods' recent studies as a thirty-fiver.

A good promotion spot is always welcomed. This is free for all to view, but our time here at the Tabloid is not free. If you would like to donate to the tabloid, please message HaggisBasher or Lustmord in the game with your meats and gifts. Thank you.

This might not be the only survey they're conducting, either. Another mod warning by Imp y Clelyn could be a subtle hint into more studies they are doing, "Spamming the chat is a sure way to get attention. The question is, do you really want that kind of attention?" What kind of attention are you receiving, Mr/Ms. Seventeener. What other studies are they conducting on us? How important is your personality compared to your number, #647042?


UPDATE: Bete Noire: 9 out of 10 people who listen to Grendel don't get banned from chat.
The studies continue...

10:35 pm - How to not be a Total Douche by nana (#229098)

Hey, kids! I've got a grand 'ol story to tell you about why exactly I don't give a fuck about who you don't like, who you baleet, or who you happen to be directing your repressed homosexual rage at. Hopefully, if you've haven't gotten the moral by now, you'll get it by the time the story's done.

One day in a far off-land called NEWBLITHUANIACALACAs haK, there was a young person of a nondiscriminatory gender (and by that I mean male, fuck females.) who took quite an offense to another lad in the land. His name was Nevrawr. Luckily for Nevrawr, in this wonderful land was filled with *magic*. That's right, kids - magic! One of the very special things you could do with this magic was make someone dissapear to you, they'd still be there, but you just couldn't see them. Now, this sounds pretty useless, but trust me, it's awesome. Especially if there's some asshole saying mean things you disagree with. This is called a 'baleet' spell. So, Nevrawr quickly and mightily baleeted the offensive youth. He baleeted him like the fist of an angry god. But Nevrawr did a big no-no after he cast the spell - he announced to everyone in the kingdom that he had baleeted the poor young man! The other young lad, hearing he was disliked so, ran off to kill himself, but was unable to unscrew the child-proof cap on his mother's tylenol, so just told everyone he was killing himself and qui - "ran away" from the kingdom forever, only to be seen again five hours later. Nevrawr, seeing the powerful effect his mighty opinion had on others decided to announce who he was baleeting EVERYTIME he baleeted someone! This went on for about a week, but then a pony came and bit Nevrawr's penis off and since Nevrawr had baleeted everyone they were unable to help, so he bled to death. Yay!
-fin-

MORAL OF THE STORY: EVERYONE BALEET NEVARRAR AND ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WHOLE GODDAMN CHAT.

10:04 pm - Quest Advice Column with LilithTaveril (#662545)

The Mythical Beast, from the days of grey, has demanded that I post a column that she has written. In its entirety. The views and opinions of this column are not those of the Tabloid and we shall not be held accountable for them. If you would like to get a chance to have her answer you very own personal question (I am being forced to inform you of this), you can Kmail her at #662545. If your question is good enough, she may just force me into allowing her another quest column:




[letter]Dear Lilith,
c4n i h4v3 5um m34t plz? h0w u g3t s0 much m34t?

signed,
m34tplz[/letter]

Dear moron who failed English,
What the living hell is wrong with you? Can't you be bothered to use proper English? Holy Jesus in a nun outfit on a Satan-blessed tentacled pogostick! It would take you less time to TYPE THE DAMNED WORDS OUT than to hunt down the numbers! Moron!
As to how I made the meat? That's simple. Unlike you, who is such of a disgrace to humanity you are reduced to begging for a fake currency in an online game, I actually have a job. I actually work. And, yes, I donate some of my hard-, but honestly-, earned money to this game. Now, put the Mountain Dew and Nachos down, hit the treadmill, and get a job.

With love,
Lilith.

04:19 pm - Pope accuses Jews of poisoning the wells in 1348

No, there are not any new comfy blankets being circulated around to infect your text into a paler shade of grey. Nor are there any new pineal glands to collect to save the kingdom. This new plague is deadly, and none of the officials are really sure how to stop it.

Mistress Fellatrix curls up on her couch and comfortably watches /c newbie go by.
Aelindil yawns and wakes back up.
PhantomTrogdor sits down and falls asleep slowly...
Aelindil mumbles and rolls around in her sleep.
amr40 yawns y-a-w-n.
theperfectcat sits in the corner.
theperfectcat eats a peanut..still in the corner.
wrldwzrd89 watches chat scroll by.
TanisNikana loafs around the chat like his name is Lustmord.
Bursting Soul daydreams about another life...
Lysand rots silently, gathering flies.


Transcribed from the afternoon of April 21st, 2006, it is a clear testimony to the current downtrodden state of /newbie. These are direct accounts showing obvious symptoms of this new aged plague: Lethargy. This is defined by the quality or state of being lazy, sluggish, or indifferent. The once indefatigable /newbie has met an unknown foe. Whether it's the influx of certain newcomers (Some have reported many of these newcomers as the rejected from real society), or the tension due to recent events, it has taken its toll. When Young Yellowstone was asked how he felt about the current events, he replied with a spamful message of, "TAKE DAT TAKE DAT TAKE DAT TAKE DAT...," which can only lead one to believe that this plague is causing some members of the community to leave in search of better ways to occupy their time. For example, Young Yellowstone's obvious preoccupation with masturbating to internet porn. More information following the fate of the Kingdom to come later.

02:39 pm - Mythical Beast hellbent on altering KoL for good.

Today in /newbie, the unexpected occurred. Directly quoted from the chat, "LilithTaveril ransoms Toot off for Mr. Accessories." The message alone sent this reporter into shock. Dear Toot was being pawned off by a twenty-three year old militant feminist. Some doubted Lilith's success, including Toot himself. In an exclusive conversation between the two, Toot was reported as saying, "You'd be lucky, Lilith." In this decision, Lilith also gave away her Kryptonite exclaiming, "If anyone actually sent me [a Mr. Accessory], I'd probably die of both laughing and shock." Unfortunately, no one quickly acted upon this ill-dropped secret from the mythical beast. The mythical beast, who had been last seen before her recent appearances during the days of the plague, continued to plot.

She neglected her prized Toot while in the middle of such deep pensive thought, and melonmuncher was able to sneak through and steal the NPR fine-feathered friend. Labeling the Toot Oriole as a "Gold Twigger," an allusion to the Kayne West song "Gold Digger," melonmuncher set out to claim the ransom for himself. LilithTaveril's cobblestone gears were turning her in head far too make commotion and allowed melonmuncher to continue his actions without her interference.

In a shocking revelation, LilithTaveril "promptly [headed] to take over Noob Mountain." This sent the chatroom into an utter panic, until she herself realized Noob Mountain was not actually a place in the game. But an ever graceful Bondage Beast she is, she made note of the fact and recovered her footing with the infamous emote, "LilithTaveril curses when she arrives at Noob Mountain, which is three mountains over from Mt. Noob."

This could only mean one thing, Jick cut off the screen shot of the mountains, hiding from us simple newbs the Eastern side of the mountain where this Noob Mountain has been hidden. Of course, as a beast of old, this would not stop LilithTaveril's plan, and she quickly took over Noob Mountain with an iron snatch. She told us in an inside interview that, she "now has to set up a set of quests that reflect her ways," but refused to give us any more information on the subject. More to come as the news progresses.